sana nga lang

There are so many ifs in my mind. What if ganito? what if ganyan. Ganito na lang palagi ang iniisip ko. I don't know what's really wrong. Ang hindi ko lang maintindihan sa sarili ko ay kung bakit hanggang ngayon, paniwalang-paniwala ako na kaya kong magdesisyon sa isang sitwasyong mahirap pagdesisyunan. I mean, gustuhin ko mang magdecide ng tama para sa sarili ko, ay hindi ko magawa. Sana ganoon kadali ang kalimutan siya. Sana wala ng bahid ng sakit at kalungkutan kung hahayaan ko na lang siya. Sana parang wala lang ang lahat. Hanggang ngayon, pilit kong maghanap ng kasagutan sa mga katanungang bumabagabag sa akin.

Kahit ilang beses ko mang sabihin sa sarili ko na hindi na pwede, ay hayun sige pa rin. Mahal ko pa rin siya kahit alam kong sobra na. Mahal ko pa rin siya kahit alam kong mali na. I still cannot figure out kung bakit. There were times na halos hindi na ako maka-isip ng tama dahil sa kanya. Gulung-gulo pa rin ako, at hanggang ngayon hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit.

Three years na ang nagdaan. At sa loob ng tatlong taon na iyon, ang dami ng nangyari. May awayan, batian at kung anu-ano pa. There were moments ng kiligan, inisan at iyakan. Sa lahat ng iyon, wala akong pinagsisihan. Ilang beses mang nasaktan, there were still times na naging masaya ako -- at hindi ko yun malilimutan.

I hope, tama pa rin ang decision ko, at sana kaya kong ipaglaban siya. San lang.

kung minsan, unfair talaga

Ang bilis ng panahon, halos mamatay na ko sa kakahabol ng kung anu-ano at kung sinu-sino. Hindi ko nga alam kung paano isa-isahin ang mga problema. Hindi naman ako sumusuko kaagad. Sa sobrang dami ng problema ko, hindi ko na alam kung paano simulan. Nakakainis nga lang kung minsan dahil naaawa na ako sa sarili ko. i know that's the worst thing na nagawa ko sa buhay ko, but i cant help na maawa sa sarili ko, because the fact is, UNFAIR talaga ang mundo. ITS VERY UNFAIR.

i don't want to enumerate kung bakit, dahil kukulangin ang space na ito. basta, unfair talaga ang buhay. Naniniwala din akong hindi lahat ng bagay na gustuhion ng isang tao ay matutupad, wika nga nila, You can't have it all. May iba diyan swerte sa pag-ibig, malas naman sa pera. ang iba naman ay swerte sa pera, malas sa pag-ibig. Pero paano kung malas ka na sa pera, malas ka pa sa pag-ibig, ano ang tawag doon? diba unfair. nakakainis ang ganitong sitwasyon.

Sa totoo lang, ilang beses ko ring inisip na mag-give up, pero hindi ko lang talaga kayang panindigan. minsan, inisip kong huminto, alam mo na financial problems. pero on the other side of the coin, i keep on convincing myself that these are all challenges. parte lang ito ng libu-libo pang mga bagyo, at baha ng buhay.

unfair ang world, dahil i don't have the money to buy the things that i need for school. unfair dahil wala akong maipagmamalaki sa mga tao. unfair dahil sarili ko di ko kayang protektahan. unfair dahil sa akin lahat ng mahirap na problems. unfair dahil lahat na lang puro kamalasan na lang ang dumarating sa buhay ko.

ilang beses na akong umiyak, humiling na sana magkaiba naman ang takbo ng mundo. Sana ako naman doon. Sobra na kasi if lagi ka na lang nasa ibaba, at walang magawa kundi magtiis na lamang. Unfair talaga dahil kahit anong pilit kong gawin, naaawa pa rin ako sa aking sarili.

pero kahit ganoon pa man, lumalaban ako at umaasang malagpasan ang laban na ito. hanggang ngayon, naniniwala pa rin akong may DIYOS, at maririnig din niya ang daing ko.

To my Dearest Joey

One day, I will disappear completely. The letters will mean nothing. The world will get tired of me. You will get tired of me. I will get tired of myself. And I, I will never get tired of you. For you, there will be no endings. I will say your name over and over like a refrain, like a prayer to no one. That I’ll be a flower the one you’ll never pick, I’m willing to learn take breathless waiting till boundaries disappear.

With nothing to do, I make new constellations. Images of you as I remember--dancing, sitting, walking, there are stars from a different view but still, I see nothing but you...bloooming like a flower, swaying like a leaf. I once watched you sleep beside me. It was dark and the darkness is deeper now. Tonight in my dreams I will see you.I need you. I can feel right here beside me.Only to know that you're mine.Like a kite, I’ve given myself up to the wind, and make friends with the sun. Confused with the birds with strange and distant voyages. But it is you that ties that thread and holds me down. Like a kite, I will forever hold your hand. and with the burning longing in your hands, i surrender

I will never get tired of you. For you, there will be no endings. I will say your name over and over like a refrain, like a prayer to no one. You know I will never get far, and there’s no need for my return. Only travellers leave, never been a traveller, for I have never left, I'm lost simply, willing to be in place I’ve never been. And will never be, of all destinations. I longed to be lost in the fields of gray hair. Lost upon your touch, cause you’re already mine. You are my will live. My life started when I loved you and that’s how I want it to end.

pissed off

Where will I be a year and a half from now? For almost three years, I've been stucked in a place where I can see nothing but blurry images of my past and unclear visions of the future. I still do not know when will I move on and proceed to the next step. I'm still attached to a past which pulled me backward. I'm confused. I can't move on because I know nothing is to look up to in the future. there is nothing to look forward becuse I was born with nothing at all.

Today is the day of my life that I feared of. I feared that I will lose hope. Feared that I will pity myself. I don't want to call myself stupid or whatever. I only knew that perhaps, this is still stage in my life where I want to discover who I want to be and what I want to be.

Today, I feel like commiting suicide, but I'm afraid that life will get worse in the second life. Today, can't concentrate on my life. I'm sooccupied with so many things in life. Academic pressures and all. I'm pissed off with helping other people and being kind to them. I want to be rude this time. Be selfish, greedy and think nothing but my, myself and I.

This is a bullshit life. I'm the most unfortunate creature on earth. I don't what I'm doing. I don't know.

Who said that graduating with honors completes a good education. Bull shit!
That is not true.

So long. Good bye scholarship, goodbye to all....

World of My Own

Six Days

Today is the day of my life that I did not give a thousand pecent on my job and I hate this Feeling. At least its all over. I did my best--that's fo sure. Whatever the outcomes of the things that I did I give it all to the Mighty Father. One down and many more to go. I really don't know how to stat again. I'm still sick and for what reason? I still don't know. I want to start woking with my projects but i just can't. i don't have to foce myself either.

Walking alone, i remembered the day of my life--six days from now. And if they may remember 29 is my birthday. Since nobody is interested reading this, let me enumeate the things--both mateial and non-mateial, i want to receive in my birthday.


1. MP4- I lost mine 2 weeks ago.
2. Diary- something unique
3. Ipod- i've been dreaming to own one since it was introduced
4. digital camera-I need it vey badly.
5. a new personal computer--i don't want to work in intenet cafes-very nioisy.
6. simple greetings fom my friends
7. flowers from a special someone


a lot more. ..

concession

I'm bothered. Really bothered. i don't know if i did something wrong to joey or what. I really don't have an idea. If there's a person who was badly hurt of the things that had happened, its not him in the first place. I had sacrificed many things for him, and yet it was not enough. With the very hectic schedule that I have, I still managed to help him. I missed classes for the most part just to cover some news for him. I never complained because I thought all this time he respected me. Or shall i say i have no right to complain. okay, fine with me. I still help him because I know he needs my help, and i won't be selfish when it comes to that matter.

I never thought I would be hurt this badly all because of him. I swallowed my pride just to keep our friendship, but i can't take it anymore--its too much.

A friend of mine told me that joey hates gays. as in hate-HATE-. Okay, he hates gay fine with me. I'm gay, so i conclude he hates me. But i still continue to help him because he needs me. I did not talk to him about this matter because i have no right to do so. When he asked me to remove his pictures in my friendster account, i did. because i want to keep him. I just can't understand why am i doing those things. i really don't know why.

Why is it so easy for him to hurt me. If only he knew how I cried at night every time I he neglected what I've done for him. Fine with me. I have no right to let her know how i really feel inside.

But everything will come to its end, and this would be the last time that i will talk about JOEY. He is my first love, and i will never love again. I don't want to get hurt again and again and again.

I've said this before, and i'll say this again. He can never be mine. And to forget him is the best solution to end up all my misery.

when it rains, it pours

It rained again last night and I love it. It rained again and it reminds me of how the rain brought me to where i am today. I love coldness of te rain, its dark, morbid. I love it when the rains drops on the pavements and people start to stay under the shades. I love it because the rain witnesses how I grow up and become a person who i want to be.

Nineteen years ago, on the 29th of September, it rained. It was a heavy rain, very heavy that the water goes gutter deep. That was the day when I was born. Five years later, it rained again. I hurt myself and I bathed myself with blood; I accidentally slashed my right hand in an open glass window where my mom used to left me. It rained so hard as my bleeding goes severe. When I was seven, the same thing happened. It rained. And it was my first day in school. I was not sent to kindergarten because I was inflected with polio at very young age.Fortunately, it did not reach to the level where i had to be brought to the hospital. My mom used to tell me that i had a hard time talking and even walking. I learned to speak utter words when i was already four. My parents were so problematic then. My dad gamble a lot. And my mom has to stay home without a nanny to take care of me and my four other siblings. Everytime my mom and dad would thorw plates and other kitchen utensils to each other, it rains. I stayed in my sisters room and phope that the rain will come.When I was in grade school, that was March. It rained. That was the first time that I received my ribbon for topping the class despite the absences that I made.

Last night, the rain reminded me of teenage fears loosing someone special. Someone I can't live without. For the most part, the rain is the sole witness of how i grew up to be what i am now. I've passed through the strongest blows in life--and i was able to surpass those. The rain reminds me of the happy and good memories for the 19 years in my life. Most of all it renminds me of the people who almost killed me for the bad feelings that they gave to me. It reminds me of the people who steped down on me and put me down. It also reminds me of the most important person in my life other than my parents.

Today, its raining. I got a new umbrella. And today, the rain witness how i swear to not to fall in love again of the same person who hurt me badlly. Today, I made the firmest decision in my life.--to go over with him. I know i'm repeating this all the time, i will always do until such time that it becomes a routine and i can no longer think that he was part of me.