Where will I be a year and a half from now? For almost three years, I've been stucked in a place where I can see nothing but blurry images of my past and unclear visions of the future. I still do not know when will I move on and proceed to the next step. I'm still attached to a past which pulled me backward. I'm confused. I can't move on because I know nothing is to look up to in the future. there is nothing to look forward becuse I was born with nothing at all.
Today is the day of my life that I feared of. I feared that I will lose hope. Feared that I will pity myself. I don't want to call myself stupid or whatever. I only knew that perhaps, this is still stage in my life where I want to discover who I want to be and what I want to be.
Today, I feel like commiting suicide, but I'm afraid that life will get worse in the second life. Today, can't concentrate on my life. I'm sooccupied with so many things in life. Academic pressures and all. I'm pissed off with helping other people and being kind to them. I want to be rude this time. Be selfish, greedy and think nothing but my, myself and I.
This is a bullshit life. I'm the most unfortunate creature on earth. I don't what I'm doing. I don't know.
Who said that graduating with honors completes a good education. Bull shit!
That is not true.
So long. Good bye scholarship, goodbye to all....
Monday, October 29, 2007
Monday, September 24, 2007
Sunday, September 23, 2007
Six Days
Today is the day of my life that I did not give a thousand pecent on my job and I hate this Feeling. At least its all over. I did my best--that's fo sure. Whatever the outcomes of the things that I did I give it all to the Mighty Father. One down and many more to go. I really don't know how to stat again. I'm still sick and for what reason? I still don't know. I want to start woking with my projects but i just can't. i don't have to foce myself either.
Walking alone, i remembered the day of my life--six days from now. And if they may remember 29 is my birthday. Since nobody is interested reading this, let me enumeate the things--both mateial and non-mateial, i want to receive in my birthday.
1. MP4- I lost mine 2 weeks ago.
2. Diary- something unique
3. Ipod- i've been dreaming to own one since it was introduced
4. digital camera-I need it vey badly.
5. a new personal computer--i don't want to work in intenet cafes-very nioisy.
6. simple greetings fom my friends
7. flowers from a special someone
a lot more. ..
Walking alone, i remembered the day of my life--six days from now. And if they may remember 29 is my birthday. Since nobody is interested reading this, let me enumeate the things--both mateial and non-mateial, i want to receive in my birthday.
1. MP4- I lost mine 2 weeks ago.
2. Diary- something unique
3. Ipod- i've been dreaming to own one since it was introduced
4. digital camera-I need it vey badly.
5. a new personal computer--i don't want to work in intenet cafes-very nioisy.
6. simple greetings fom my friends
7. flowers from a special someone
a lot more. ..
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
concession
I'm bothered. Really bothered. i don't know if i did something wrong to joey or what. I really don't have an idea. If there's a person who was badly hurt of the things that had happened, its not him in the first place. I had sacrificed many things for him, and yet it was not enough. With the very hectic schedule that I have, I still managed to help him. I missed classes for the most part just to cover some news for him. I never complained because I thought all this time he respected me. Or shall i say i have no right to complain. okay, fine with me. I still help him because I know he needs my help, and i won't be selfish when it comes to that matter.
I never thought I would be hurt this badly all because of him. I swallowed my pride just to keep our friendship, but i can't take it anymore--its too much.
A friend of mine told me that joey hates gays. as in hate-HATE-. Okay, he hates gay fine with me. I'm gay, so i conclude he hates me. But i still continue to help him because he needs me. I did not talk to him about this matter because i have no right to do so. When he asked me to remove his pictures in my friendster account, i did. because i want to keep him. I just can't understand why am i doing those things. i really don't know why.
Why is it so easy for him to hurt me. If only he knew how I cried at night every time I he neglected what I've done for him. Fine with me. I have no right to let her know how i really feel inside.
But everything will come to its end, and this would be the last time that i will talk about JOEY. He is my first love, and i will never love again. I don't want to get hurt again and again and again.
I've said this before, and i'll say this again. He can never be mine. And to forget him is the best solution to end up all my misery.
I never thought I would be hurt this badly all because of him. I swallowed my pride just to keep our friendship, but i can't take it anymore--its too much.
A friend of mine told me that joey hates gays. as in hate-HATE-. Okay, he hates gay fine with me. I'm gay, so i conclude he hates me. But i still continue to help him because he needs me. I did not talk to him about this matter because i have no right to do so. When he asked me to remove his pictures in my friendster account, i did. because i want to keep him. I just can't understand why am i doing those things. i really don't know why.
Why is it so easy for him to hurt me. If only he knew how I cried at night every time I he neglected what I've done for him. Fine with me. I have no right to let her know how i really feel inside.
But everything will come to its end, and this would be the last time that i will talk about JOEY. He is my first love, and i will never love again. I don't want to get hurt again and again and again.
I've said this before, and i'll say this again. He can never be mine. And to forget him is the best solution to end up all my misery.
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
when it rains, it pours
It rained again last night and I love it. It rained again and it reminds me of how the rain brought me to where i am today. I love coldness of te rain, its dark, morbid. I love it when the rains drops on the pavements and people start to stay under the shades. I love it because the rain witnesses how I grow up and become a person who i want to be.
Nineteen years ago, on the 29th of September, it rained. It was a heavy rain, very heavy that the water goes gutter deep. That was the day when I was born. Five years later, it rained again. I hurt myself and I bathed myself with blood; I accidentally slashed my right hand in an open glass window where my mom used to left me. It rained so hard as my bleeding goes severe. When I was seven, the same thing happened. It rained. And it was my first day in school. I was not sent to kindergarten because I was inflected with polio at very young age.Fortunately, it did not reach to the level where i had to be brought to the hospital. My mom used to tell me that i had a hard time talking and even walking. I learned to speak utter words when i was already four. My parents were so problematic then. My dad gamble a lot. And my mom has to stay home without a nanny to take care of me and my four other siblings. Everytime my mom and dad would thorw plates and other kitchen utensils to each other, it rains. I stayed in my sisters room and phope that the rain will come.When I was in grade school, that was March. It rained. That was the first time that I received my ribbon for topping the class despite the absences that I made.
Last night, the rain reminded me of teenage fears loosing someone special. Someone I can't live without. For the most part, the rain is the sole witness of how i grew up to be what i am now. I've passed through the strongest blows in life--and i was able to surpass those. The rain reminds me of the happy and good memories for the 19 years in my life. Most of all it renminds me of the people who almost killed me for the bad feelings that they gave to me. It reminds me of the people who steped down on me and put me down. It also reminds me of the most important person in my life other than my parents.
Today, its raining. I got a new umbrella. And today, the rain witness how i swear to not to fall in love again of the same person who hurt me badlly. Today, I made the firmest decision in my life.--to go over with him. I know i'm repeating this all the time, i will always do until such time that it becomes a routine and i can no longer think that he was part of me.
Nineteen years ago, on the 29th of September, it rained. It was a heavy rain, very heavy that the water goes gutter deep. That was the day when I was born. Five years later, it rained again. I hurt myself and I bathed myself with blood; I accidentally slashed my right hand in an open glass window where my mom used to left me. It rained so hard as my bleeding goes severe. When I was seven, the same thing happened. It rained. And it was my first day in school. I was not sent to kindergarten because I was inflected with polio at very young age.Fortunately, it did not reach to the level where i had to be brought to the hospital. My mom used to tell me that i had a hard time talking and even walking. I learned to speak utter words when i was already four. My parents were so problematic then. My dad gamble a lot. And my mom has to stay home without a nanny to take care of me and my four other siblings. Everytime my mom and dad would thorw plates and other kitchen utensils to each other, it rains. I stayed in my sisters room and phope that the rain will come.When I was in grade school, that was March. It rained. That was the first time that I received my ribbon for topping the class despite the absences that I made.
Last night, the rain reminded me of teenage fears loosing someone special. Someone I can't live without. For the most part, the rain is the sole witness of how i grew up to be what i am now. I've passed through the strongest blows in life--and i was able to surpass those. The rain reminds me of the happy and good memories for the 19 years in my life. Most of all it renminds me of the people who almost killed me for the bad feelings that they gave to me. It reminds me of the people who steped down on me and put me down. It also reminds me of the most important person in my life other than my parents.
Today, its raining. I got a new umbrella. And today, the rain witness how i swear to not to fall in love again of the same person who hurt me badlly. Today, I made the firmest decision in my life.--to go over with him. I know i'm repeating this all the time, i will always do until such time that it becomes a routine and i can no longer think that he was part of me.
Monday, November 27, 2006
What does it mean when the signs that you're looking for does not exists? what then is the implication of it in your life? will you give up your plans just to have peace of mind? these were thoughts that bothered me last night. Thoughts that would either make me happy or forever blue. I don't want to make things complicated and much more i dont want to hurt other people's feelings, nor i don't want to ruin relationships of other people. I just cant accept the fact that I was born to be alone. Why did it take me a long time to finally accept that truth. But I was a fighter, I mean I want to be happy, and finding happiness is the greatest success that any human being lived for. I met this guy Edgardo Agustin Escalante Navarro whom I thought the right and perfect. But destiny's been so cruel to me. That day when I asked for the sign, nothing happens. I was there waiting for the sign to happen. Nagmukha akong tanga staring at him. Gaga nga naman ako eh, as in totally gaga.
Apart from the fact that i have to accept the reality, i've seen that life is like this. Sometimes you're in the bottom down under, sometimes you're up there. Pero kahit ano man ang mangyari, I will still fall in love. Kahit masaktan man ako, at least naranasan ko kung paano magmahal.
Apart from the fact that i have to accept the reality, i've seen that life is like this. Sometimes you're in the bottom down under, sometimes you're up there. Pero kahit ano man ang mangyari, I will still fall in love. Kahit masaktan man ako, at least naranasan ko kung paano magmahal.
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